I Wish I Never Had Kids

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Last night I laid in bed thinking about all that is going on in the world right now, especially the children whose lives are in serious jeopardy and are suffering immensely. My heart started to physically hurt and tears hit my cheeks, now alone where no one could hear me, I said out loud all that I had been thinking the last few days.

I wish I never had kids.

These sweet, beautiful, innocent kids who look to me for everything. Who come to me because they have a little scratch that they want me to kiss and make it better. Who tell me when they're hungry or thirsty, tired or sick. They look to me for every little thing and to them that's all there is, to them there is no great evil in this world; people are kind and funny and are their friends. When they're sick, they get better, when they're hungry, they eat. When they're tired, they climb in their comfy beds and sleep without a care in the world. They are safe, they are comfortable, they are healthy, they are loved and they are happy. Their world is bliss.

For now.

The truth is, as much as I want to, as much as I would give everything I possibly could give to, I can't always protect them. Now this will be true no matter what in life. Even if everything stays safe where we live, even if we are never confronted with terrorists or robbers or other "bad guys". Even if we never know true hunger or are never forced to leave the comfort of our home. Even if we never see deadly illnesses that threaten the lives of our entire family. Even if we never know true terror. There will still be things in this world I won't be able to protect them from and that, that is scary, that is terrifying, that hurts my heart.

Being a Mom hurts.

I don't have any conclusion to this, I'm not going to reach some epiphany to make myself feel better, this isn't a feel good post. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't feel this way, if I didn't love them so completely, so deeply, if they weren't the ones whose lives I would do anything to protect, I wouldn't feel this way. Desperate for help, for resolution, for something, I pray.

Lord, I wish I hadn't brought them into this world.

All I am met with, all I can say, is that I serve a God who lives, a God who is love, who is just and who, at the end of all this, wins. My God loves my children. He loves all the children who are suffering, they are His children too, He loves them most, even more than I do. And He is with them. I know that if those who believe in Him quit having children due to fear, there would no longer be kids raised to know Him and to lead other's to know Him, too. In the end, He wins. In the end, He reigns forever and those who love Him will live together with Him for eternity. All this pain, suffering and terror will be over, it will have been nothing but a blink of an eye, a vapor in the wind. Evil will lose, evil will be dead and gone. In the end, He wins. 

I can't wait until He wins. 









Related Post: Sometimes This Mom Thing Kinda Sucks.

Feel Good Post: Toddlers Are Puppies Too.

6 comments:

  1. Perfect! To focus on, He wins, & prayer is all we can do, and yet it is the very best we can do.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment, you're so right it is the best we can do, prayer is powerful!

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  2. Yes ma'am how true it is but I do serve a Just God and a Reconciliator! He allowed me to have those kids for a reason (if not but to give me a glimpse of His own heart towards man). I do my best, I seek His guidance as I raise my grown kids (my parents are still raising me too) and my grands, asking CONSTANTLY for His peace & comfort in the things I can't control, realizing that He has complete control even when I do not understand it all. Sigh.....

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