I Don't Know How Many Kids We Are Going To Have

My son stopped sleeping this week, like really just stopped. I think he is probably a super hero and his super power just revealed itself and that power is that he doesn't need sleep, in fact while the rest of the world is sleeping, he gets more energy and super speed. I put him to bed, crawl into my own bed, roll over and there he is standing there looking at me in the face. It's freaky and I don't know how he does it. We are going to have to take him into hiding soon so we don't end up in a real life scene from E.T., being chased by the government in their scary spacesuits. Anyway, all that to say I AM TIRED. After a night of zero sleep, I decided it was a good idea to take both boys with me to Target after nap time (I use the word "nap" loosely) to take advantage of their baby sale and get 4 giant boxes of diapers and kill time. I knew if we stayed home and I stopped moving, my eyes would close and my children would burn the house down around me. Did you know that it's hard to fit two toddlers in a cart with 4 giant boxes of diapers and other necessities? (Ya, I went in for diapers but it's Target, so you know I left with more than just diapers). Also, my oldest son figured out how to open his car door, the car wasn't moving but we were in the parking lot and I was putting the groceries in the trunk, no one was harmed but I did come close to having a heart attack. This entire Target run didn't turn out at all how I imagined it would and it was one of the more overwhelming outings we have been on. I'll spare you all the details but let's just say it all came down to the drive home when I realized I didn't even have bedtime to look forward to tonight because of my son's new super ability to stay up all night and appear at my bedside out of nowhere. All the sudden it hit me, along with hot tears that turned into an ugly cry, I can never have more kids. I'm maxed out, this is it, my childbearing years are over, I'll never get a last time being pregnant and know it is my last time being pregnant. I'll never get a girl, I'll never get to help my daughter get ready for prom, or buy her tampons, or go shopping for her wedding dress. Life as I pictured it is over, I'm just a worn out mom of two boys. I really want more kids but I'll never be able to have them because I can't even handle the ones I have. 
So....that escalated quickly.
The truth is, there are days when I find myself thinking that we made a big mistake having two kids. We really aren't good at this, it's too hard, what if we mess them up?
Then other days I think that two is the perfect number! I just love our family dynamic so much, they play with each other so well and are never bored because they have each other! We were meant to have two, two is the exact number that we can handle and we are really good at parenting two kids!
Other days I think that we are such cool and awesome parents, we are totally rocking at this raising kids thing and we should have at least five more!
Then there was today, after I had my melodramatic meltdown, I had an epiphany, it's like a light bulb turned on in my brain, seriously it is so brilliant: I don't have to know right now how many kids I'm going to have.
Say whaaaaat? You heard me. I know, but everyone is always asking things like:
Are you going to have more?
When are you going to try for a girl?
I can't believe you aren't pregnant again yet. 
You're done having kids right?
Are you on birth control?
etc. etc. etc. 
I usually have some long drawn out answer about how we meant to wait longer between our first two kids but since they're so close together we are going to wait even longer for a 3rd, unless it just happens before that because we aren't completely in control of these things. We want to wait until my husband is done with college or until the two kids we already have leave for college (or are at least potty trained), but we think we probably want 3 or 4 eventually.
As of today, I have a new answer for those people, "We have no idea, and you will probably find out when we do."
It can go one of two ways, either we will have more kids or we won't. It isn't something we have to know. Besides, if there is one thing I have learned in these 26 1/2 years I have been on this earth, it is that our plans never go the way we envision them. If they did, I would be a smokin' hot Mama with perfect kids and a perfect marriage, I would be able to bake like Betty Crocker, rock a string bikini, get plenty of sleep and have lots of free time that I don't know what to do with. The truth is, I don't know what's going to happen. Even if we knew for sure that we wanted to have two more kids, we could end up not having any more and even if we knew for sure that we didn't want anymore, we could end up with two more. We just don't know. I don't mind when people ask about our plans for having more babies, I really don't, but in all honesty, we don't have any real plans and I'm learning that it's okay to just not know right now. It really isn't up to us anyway.

Photo Credit: Mel Reynolds

Our family may or may not be complete yet, but it is complete for now







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3 comments:

  1. Hey this is really a great Blog you guys are still too young to decide if you want more children.I had our oldest son when I was a teenager and since then we have had 4 more kids.we have 4 boys and just 1 princess.our oldest Will be 15 and our 2nd son turns 10 this month.we have a 7 yr old and a 3 yr old , she's our only girl and our baby will be 10 months on Sunday.We had 2
    Miss carriages so I've been pregnant 7 times.Our family is complete now we are a family of 7. We both agree we are done having babies.God blessed us with 5 beautiful healthy children and 2 Angel babies.I'm 31 and my hubby is 35 .I can have more but we don't plan on having anymore It is very hard and stressful at times but we have been parents for almost 15 years!! So Brooke I know it's hard and stressful at times and overwhelming but you have done it these last 3 years.I know you could do it again in 3-4 years.Good luck mama

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  2. Thank you so much for this post. We have three kids, two boys and a girl. Our baby girl is a month old and I am still getting the are you done question. I love your realness and the answer to the question is the truth for me as well. ��

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! So glad you enjoyed it, always nice to hear that I'm not alone in these thoughts and feelings. :)

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