Sometimes, this 'mom thing' kinda sucks...

It is 3am. My toddler is tossing and turning, but at least he is asleep, oh wait...maybe not...Please don't wake up right now, baby boy! Okay, phew! He snuggled back into his blankie and is quiet now. I'm laying on the couch surrounded by used Kleenex and to be honest, a little unfolded laundry. My poor, sweet, little (but very chunky) 6 month old baby is wheezing next to me in his cradle. Thankfully, he has stopped throwing up for now, and has finally closed his heavy eyes and is sleeping lightly next to me, every once in awhile he coughs and lets out the saddest little whimper. My husband has to get up in about an hour and a half for work, and I still haven't been asleep yet. As I lay here, I think about a really honest thought that I often have and I think I am just going to let it out of the bag; I hope other's can relate, understand where I am coming from and benefit in knowing they aren't alone in the feeling that sometimes, being a mom just kinda sucks a little bit. I know we aren't supposed to say things like that, and don't get me wrong, I love and adore my kiddos and wouldn't change anything about them for a split second, but sometimes it just kinda sucks to love someone so much and be completely responsible for them. Do you know what I mean, maybe? Like right now, my poor babies are so sick and it just breaks my heart to see them like this, and this is just one day out of so many. It just isn't fun to feel this way, it's like sometimes, I just feel that I love them so much, it is scary and even hurts. There are so many choices to make and things to think about...Should I take him to the doctor? Should I feed him this? Should we buy him that? Is this normal? Where should they go to school? How much TV should we let them watch? What time should we put them to bed? What do we do if something bad happens?  What would happen to them if we were gone? On and on it goes!! It is an awesome responsibility in so many ways, ugh, I sure hope we don't mess it up! Oh..wait, I just remembered, that's what God is for...whew! I'm so glad I'm not Him, if I think being a parent of two is hard, I can't imagine what it is like to be God!  


Lately, I have been struggling so much with worry! There have been times where it has completely consumed me. Mostly, I am afraid of something happening to me and/or my husband, and the boys being all alone to fend for themselves, or something happening that causes them to suffer. I have asked a lot of friends to pray for me and some have given me great advice. Thanks to prayer and good insight, I am happy to say that I have been doing a lot better in this area; I'm not solved of all my worrying problems, but for now, I am definitely improved!
One of my friends had me listen to 'Hands of the Healer', by Brandon Heath.  You should go listen to it right now and then come back...go ahead, I'll wait....



Okay, so I don't know about you, but it hit me square in the middle of my head when he sings,

"If we're gonna pray about it, there's no use in worrying, and if we're gonna worry about it, then why are we praying?"

Um...duh! If I believe {which I passionately do} in the power of prayer, in the fact that Jesus loves us more than we could ever know or understand, then why worry? Why not just, as he says in the song, "Leave it in the hands of the Father...Healer...Jesus, and WALK AWAY!" Like I said, I'm not God. How awesome is it that I can literally put something in His hands and walk away, and He's got it?! Seriously, so glad I'm not God. He does it all;  I just have to trust, obey and let go.
Worrying comes in all shapes and sizes. We can worry about how we are going to make it through the week with the amount of money, food, fuel, etc. we have. We can worry that we are going to fail a big test we have in school, and of course we can be anxious about someone's health, life or well-being. Any of these things we worry about, we can just give away to God, if we allow ourselves to do so.
 Another one of my friends reminded me that Jesus loves my kids more than I ever could...which is freaking a lot because I can't imagine anyone loving any person more than I love my kids, but I am not perfect, Jesus is, His love is perfect, and His love and grace completely cover my kids. They are a gift and a blessing from Him, He has given them to me, and I get to raise them up and love them for Him. He's got it.
 Thanks to yet another friend's advice, I learned that when I had these thoughts of fear and anxiousness, I had to make myself stop, and start thinking about something else. I felt like, so often, random thoughts would (and still do) just pop into my head, as if out of nowhere, I changed my mindset to think, "Satan, you are NOT winning this one!" Sometimes, I will say out loud, "Fear is not from the Lord." and move onto something new in my mind...it seriously helps so much!
One more thing that I just thought of as I am writing this, is about 7 months ago, when I was pregnant with D,  I was at my friend's baby shower. Her sister was talking about how every situation can be used to bring God glory, and how it is so hard to let that be okay in our minds, to let the bad things that come our way be used to glorify the Lord. This actually helps me when bad things happen, to know that he is able to turn anything and everything around and into something new and good. 
Of course, there will be a lot of messing up on my part, a lot of tears (there have already been so many and I've only been a mom for 18 months), a lot of hard, sad, and scary times, but I have to know that if God tells us not to worry, it is obviously something that we can control. I do not have to worry, fret or be anxious, I can give it to God, and let Him take care of it...what an amazing feeling. Now, I know bad things will still happen, we live in a world full of disease, heartbreak and evil, that doesn't change just because I don't dwell on it, but what does change is that I enjoy every moment that we do have, every good, bad, ugly, hard  moment and am thankful that I have been blessed with it. Living a life that is full of worry and fear is not a life of joy...and I want to choose joy, I must choose joy...I absolutely will choose joy! Even now, as I remember that I have a sick toddler in one room, an even sicker baby next to me and a pounding headache, runny nose and sore throat myself, I will choose to be happy and thankful for this moment, right now...even if it does kinda suck!

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